and so sometimes you wake up in the morning, and sometimes you wake up in the middle of the day. for me, today, it was much later than morning that i felt the day on my skin. that i began to feel myself come alive again. it's the reason why i run. and there's not much here, in this town, but there are not many other places that are better for running. and i still can't run. but i can walk. so like i do everyday, i took off after school. wandered around in my backyard (that's the view), and noticed a thing or two. before beginning, i'll add my disclaimer, to avoid semantic disaster. people get so caught up in names, in the different names for the same thing, in what they call their beliefs. it (nominal calling) doesn't really matter to me. what matters is THAT i believe.... today the snow finally stopped and the light illuminated the remains of the storm. the peace in the sky made friends with my heart, and i watched for signs of life in my back yard. there are now 5 brand new baby cows (i prefer this to calves). and i know underneath all this snow, the green of spring is thinking about what it will become. as i walk i talk with god. maybe you call it the universe/allah/love/spirit. as i walk the conversation isn't long, but it's something more than pleasant. i notice god is my neighbor, and the mountains act as a fence. god does a lot of gardening, always has observations about life and growth, and how to make miracles happen. today, the lesson was intention. it starts from the seeds of dreams. i catalog them while i'm out, make plans to break the ground, think of what each row will bring. i'm thinking most of cultivating these things: gratitude, love, passion, peace, creativity, spontenaity, honesty, faith, strength, and compassion.

was it daedalus or icarus? the man who flew too high? the man who fabricated wings and took off flying over the sea? who fell from his dreams, his wings whipped by the wind and in cinders from the sun's touch because he got too close to heaven? i don't really remember. but maybe it wasn't about how high he flew. because everyday i see the signs. i pay attention to the beauty i see around me. here, today and for eternity, the mountains make love to the sky. and when you spend a day in them, you can't help but be in a state of ecstasy. i know. i was just there. even now, as i sit here--my body spent and skin slightly warm from the sun, my soul is still spinning. and though i'm no angel, my dreams are beatific and fly on the wings of that kind of love.... and still i think of icarus' dilemma. maybe it wasn't about the height he reached, but about his methods of getting it. maybe it had little to do with an elated state, but with the speed of slipping into it. the mountains don't move so fast. they don't forget about their place in life, but still have the strength to slide their fingers into the sky. they are unvocal, but i'm still smiling in their silent scream of unabashed happiness. i still feel at home, still feel like i am with them, still feel this day on my skin. and this is my home. how can i not keep grinning?

Okay, so I meant to write, really write here tonight. But I got side-tracked after last night's lynch-mob verbally murdered our principal, who is one of the people I most respect in the world.

here's the nasty article, and here's my response:

http://www.postindependent.com/article/20070307/VALLEYNEWS/103070043

Yesterday, there was a school board meeting. I missed it, and I'm sorry that I wasn't there. But I didn't miss the reaction from our students today. I didn't miss the heightened disappointment and frustration they felt after attending last night's meeting.

I am not condoning the actions of the students who have fought in our school this year or the racial tension in the school,  which stems from the surrounding community. There is no doubt that mistakes were made. As a teacher, I'm sure there is more I could have done. As a teacher, I am just one. "It takes a village to raise a child" The old adage rings true.

Raising implies lifting up, elevating students to heights where they can better reach their full potential. Perhaps we haven't done everything we could at the high school to help students to take the high road. However, seeing how low many of our amazingly intelligent and actively involved students felt today after hearing their school belittled by some of the community, perhaps the pronoun "we" includes more than just the school.

The question, however, is not who is to blame. The question is: What can we do to raise these young people to reach their full potential, regardless of what language they speak or where they come from? What can we do?

The teachers and administration at this school are all here for this reason. I would not have come back to my hometown and committed to spending the majority of my time here, had I not felt that I had an opportunity to impact this community in a positive way. I have nearly left this area in the past, but stayed largely because of the positive leadership we have in this school. These leaders are the same people who gave me a hand, helped me to get where I am.

I know this community is growing. I know growing pains are bound to happen. But aren't we still neighbors in a small town community? One thing I learned through living here for most of my life was that when a neighbor's in need, you don't use your fingers to point out the mistakes that were made; you reach out and lend a hand.

The High School is a place where the people are committed to reaching out to help students. But the High School isn't enough. We need everyone to make a difference. And a different approach might include not accosting anyone for wrong actions, but finding a positive means to bring peace into the school. Focusing our collective time and energy not on violence or fighting, but on fighting for a common cause. I can't think of a greater cause for working together than the health, safety and education of our youth.

Thank you.

today i will start liking myself for who I am, and stop hating myself for who i am not.

today i will be proud of every inch of me,stop starving the woman who is me to fit into the right size for society's eyes when their souls lack vision.

today i will stay present in each moment and stop worrying so much about the way things were or could be.

today i will find a better way to express love, today i will be able to communicate it well to my students.

today i will silence the racism. today i will end the negativity. today i will lift up every kid who is down because of what the media is saying about our school. today i will not allow them to be hurt by the negative portrayal of our school, but i will remind them of how amazing they are.

today i will take a step forward, walk with pride, and hold my head high, knowing i have done everything i can.

today i will love my students, their parents, myself, my coworkers, as i love my family.

today i will love.

today i will love.

today i will love.....


Tomorrow.

and so slow i have been to heal. maybe i should have learned more from being still.
maybe i should make myself stay in one place for a little longer. just sit. just breathe. just be.

but i can't do it anymore. so today i put on my bright pink lucky shorts. the ones that make
me feel faster before i even take a step. and maybe they're like the magic feather, an unecessary aide for practical purposes because we create our own magic. and the world is amazing regardless.

but today the storm clouds are not snow clouds. they are rain clouds. i set out, step after step. the pain was lessened by the beauty of everything around me, of the simplicity of running. my meditation in motion. the horses in the field followed me along the fence until my freedom surpassed their pasture. i am not trapped by stillness anymore.

today it rained. spring flowed through the sky, through the air, through me. and maybe all this is transcendental nonsense. but i beleive it anyway. i believe i am better. have healed over completely. and that this was the first step of a marathon i will soon be running.

My little sister is stunning. (Incase you are blind)

Today a 3 year old idea came to fruition.  My head and journals are filled with ideas I haven't yet created. The photo above is part of the idea. I wish I knew more about photography. All of my "good" photos are not because of any knowledge that i have. mostly, any great shots are because i am surrounded by beauty. the kind that takes your breath away. the kind where you lose the urge to breathe for a few minutes, because you take in beauty before the breath.

so maybe it's not really that i create any beauty at all. maybe i just capture it. or maybe i'm lucky enough to catch glimpses and hold them inside my lungs for a little while. i will say this: the air is dry enough to taste in the desert, and it tastes like longing. mountain air is sweetest, and my sister's laughter and silly idiosyncrasies are ambrosia for the soul.

i have great lung capacity. so i've been told. so whatever i take in and hold, i vow to share. and still, i have wants just for me. things i hold---maybe a little selfishly...

my secret desire:  the trick i still haven't figured out is how to turn myself into the kind of beauty i see. how to make myself that stunning. sometimes i'm close on the inside. at times i can hold the silence of the desert. be as strong as a mountain. but only for a moment. the kind of moments that memories of made of, the kind where time doesn't exist.  i seek to create this.

and to share it. and maybe. just maybe if i can prolong the strength and silence, i won't need to be that gorgeous. because my intentions will catch the attention of everyone  just as much as my sister's beauty.

in the mean time. holy wow! take a look at the world through my eyes. i am beyond lucky.

so maybe anger does have a place. it has a voice anyway:  listen ^

i fell out of my dream last night with the momentum that only love can hold. the type of fall that forces the ground to cup it's warm hands, to catch you as you drop from a bottomless soul. my body crashed into the memories of all that i hold dear. only.

they weren't memories i have made yet. which i suppose would make them dreams, but these things are not that ethereal. these memories are not at all helium filled and not tied tightly to wrists of an over-eager child. there is nothing that makes them float away, even the excitement of first kiss after first kiss, or of satiatied ego. see:  faith is not fragile.

and all this was brought on i'm sure by conversation. turning through new corners of my mind to destinations my conscious self had yet to go. to places, perhaps, only my subconscious knows. places that part of me leads, and i unblindly follow.

the choices i've made were not by accident. every step is a prayer, and now i'm here. and i have run some along the way, a way to rest in all this stillness. which is far different from being stagnant.

and so i grow. and each day goes, and the sun is below me now, surrounds these mountains with a yellow sound. each syllable is clear and bright, and every unuttured word swims in a silent sea of my memories, which serve as my guiding light.

tonight there is no real darkness. a sliver of moon slices the night sky in silent reflection. and i collect stars wishing also  to be one incandescent moment. i burn in my desire.

and the fire that warms my heart is love. and in this hearth i call my body, i am kindled by the flames of faith, unflickering even in these spring winds.

faith makes miracles happen.

yesterday:

the sun is a many fevered star that binds light to life. yours and mine both. and i stood in awe of such surreal beauty.

yesterday:

the sky swallowed me whole. and i became lost in a day of undreams. undulating through moment after moment of reality. clouds were tangible, and not a roadblock to vision. all light illuminated every underbelly of them any way. the sky, pregnant with light, with life, gave birth to promises i didn't remember.

yesterday:

i dropped all work in the parking lot, stunned at the simplicity of the sun, the duality of its complexity, and i wondered if i was creating it. not that light, not that life, but the complexity of it through over analyzation. and then i wondered if i was creating that light, that life of my own. if i could just breathe and be.

yesterday:

i dropped to my knees along with every other form of life who was listening there, in prayer: thank you. thank you. thank you. for the gift of being here.


and today, i will shine when i rise. lift the dark from my eyes: and allow it to rest in my gaze because everything is beautiful when illuminated with love.
 
today:

Today, while I went for my walk on the track at lunch, I was thinking about the heart. More specifically, I was thinking about how what's good for the heart is good for the heart : what's good for your cardiovascular heart is also good for the soul's heart, and vice versa.

i was thinking this around the second lap, spring wind kissing my face, and watching the baby cows run in the fields of the farm that borders our school (where else does this happen) and (yes, they are baby cows, not calves). i was thinking this while hearing the first meadowlarks sing sweetly, albeit a little off key. i was thinking about a friend's father who had just had a heart scare, and part of the prescription was walking. i have walked on lunch breaks always, simply to escape the noise of work and force myself to be present again. to nourish my soul's heart. it never occured to me that walking was also good for my cardiovascular heart---that's one reason why i run.

and then i started thinking about whether or not all things that were good for the soul's heart were also good for the cardiovascular system. like eating a good meal with friends (if it makes you feel guilty later, it makes it unhealthy for both hearts), or laughter while reading a funny book (say Richard Brautigan), and singing at the top of your lungs while driving with the sun roof open to Fiona Apple (or whatever you are listening to at the moment---it could have been Bad Religion).

and i think there's something to it. it's so simple, yet so few forget this. life is meant to be beautiful. life is meant to be enjoyed. and when it is, the body proves itself as more extraordinary than any machine we could fathom.

here's to your hearts: